


Not So Lucky Anymore

by bunnymatsu (orphan_account)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Angst, Established Relationship, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Friendship, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Jared Kleinman, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, No happy ending., Sad Ending, Suicide, Suicide Notes, bad comfort, triggering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 05:42:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14442591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/bunnymatsu
Summary: Jared doesn't know how to cope when his luck runs out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING!!!!! Slight self harm, graphic suicide description.

Jared couldn't believe he'd gotten so lucky. 

How did someone like him get a boyfriend like Connor? The two were both kind of assholes, but in different ways, and it worked together. Jared would playfully give Connor insults, and nicknames like 'pretty boy', and it seemed like he didn't mind. 

Seemed like it. 

Today was a good day for Jared, and he was heading to the orchard again. He'd invited Connor, but his boyfriend hadn't answered. He would have been more worried if blowing off plans was weird for him, but since it wasn't, he didn't make any assumptions. 

Walking into the orchard as the autumn sky morphed colors to shift into night, Jared saw the silhouette of a person. A person wearing a hoodie, close to a tree, in the distance. Connor, he thought. He smiled, wondering if his boyfriend had chosen to surprise him.

"Hey, pretty boy, I didn't think you were coming!" He called out, walking closer. Then his heart dropped. His face went pale and he felt sick to his stomach. Connor wasn't standing by a tree, he was hanging from it. 

Jared watched his boyfriend's body sway in the air as silent tears fell down his face. He couldn't process this, not fully, and he just froze, covering his mouth and letting out a choked sob. 

He knew Connor was depressed, everyone did, but he never knew exactly how bad it was, no one except Connor did. He kept it under wraps so well. Apparently too well, and he couldn't take it anymore. 

Jared couldn't bring himself to speak, not trusting his voice or himself, or anyone. The person he'd chosen to give his affection to had killed himself, and now Jared was left to pick up the pieces because he knew damn well that his family was going to ask him if he knew something. He didn't. And that was the truth.

Shock melted into a deep sadness, and Jared Kleinman was left to crumple himself on the dewy grass and sob. He cried like he'd never cried before, until his chest hurt more, and his head ached. Just as he thought he was done, he looked up and saw the body of the person he loved again. 

He wanted to leave but couldn't stand up, and he didn't know what he was going to do. Someone was bound to come along eventually. He couldn't be right next to a corpse, that would cause more stress than necessary. Then, his bleary eyes caught sight of a note. His shaky hand reached to take it, and hold onto it. He couldn't make himself read it yet, and he slipped the folded paper into his pocket. He had to leave.

Jared forced himself to sit up, still choking on more suppressed sobs as he pressed his hand against the back of the tree and heaved his body up. He felt heavy. Like his body was filled with lead, or a deep sadness that consumed his mass and doubled it. It hurt badly, and Jared didn't know if he could handle feeling like this much longer. 

His legs felt like jelly as he took a step away, and he only realized that he was digging his nails into his arm when he looked down. He couldn't feel it. He couldn't hear or see anything besides Connor, the memories playing in his head, but slowly being replaced by the haunting image of seeing his body, lifeless.

It hurt badly, and Jared had to pretend everything was okay. He couldn't smile or speak, he couldn't do anything but keep walking, slowly and carefully, as if his legs were going to give out. They might have, he felt like it at least. 

Luck was the last thing he felt now. Any luck he had, it ran out, and he felt drained of life. Drained of everything. Energy, life, emotions in general, all gone. He could see houses in the distance, dark, some with porch or window lights on. They made the night look mockingly pretty. Nothing about that night was pretty, nothing at all. 

Jared found that the further he got, the more his heart ached, and the more he could remember details. Connor's pale face, sunken glazed eyes, stuck in an eternal moment of struggle from the rope. His body swayed almost peacefully. 

Jared wanted to read the note. But he knew he might not handle it well. If he had felt less numb, maybe he would've given a weak laugh at that concept. He'd already not handled things well, but what could anyone expect? 

The boy trudged his heavy body into his house, thankful that no one was awake to question him as he made his way into his dark room and shut the door, locking it. Quick, sharp breaths emitted from his mouth as he sat in an office chair, staring out the window at the trees outside. It was cruel, and tears spilled from his eyes once again.

Sadness and numbness turned to anger.

"Why the fuck did you have to not tell anyone? I... I could've saved you.. I could have fucking saved you! And then what?! Would you have just went on being miserable even if I was there?!"

A moment of resentment and another fit of sobs later, and Jared's fist had connected with his bedroom wall so hard that it left a dent. Pain coursed through him, and he let himself collapse on his bed and bury his face in his pillow, sobbing and choking on his own tears.

He couldn't do this. He couldn't live like this, and feeling like Connor's suicide was his fault was tearing him apart even more.

"W-What if I die?!" He screamed into his pillow. 

"Then I'll see you again and I'll kick your ass!!" He sobbed harder. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I love you, I-I love you...!" Jared cried desperately, hating himself and feeling horrible. He didn't want to speak anymore, it hurt. He didn't want to eat, drink, speak, or even live now. Instead, he dragged himself up and sat back in the chair. A blank stare made its way on his face as he stared outside again.

The note had been left on Jared's desk. Little did he know, it only said a few words. 'I love you. I was so lucky, but I couldn't do it. Not so lucky anymore I guess.'


	2. The end.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is beyond help.

It had been a few weeks since Jared had found Connor's body in the orchard. He hadn't been going to school, he hadn't eaten, he hadn't had anything to drink either besides a cup of water maybe once every week if he was absolutely forced to by his parents. 

He still remembered everything, and on the rare occasions that he did end up being able to sleep, Connor's body was all he could see. He remembered two days after the incident, police came to question him, and he wasn't able to speak to answer. His voice hadn't been used, which was a contrast to the overly talkative Jared that he used to be. Still, even now, he hadn't been able to read the note that was half folded on his desk. He usually spent the hours of his life staring out the window, or hurting himself in any way he saw fit. 

He used to cry, but now he just felt numb, like he was slowly dying. He couldn't make himself speak or move much, and he was becoming more and more neglectful of himself too. There was a void inside Jared that couldn't be filled. He blamed himself every day. Maybe it was the playful teasing, maybe Connor didn't love him and couldn't say so, maybe he had put too much pressure on Connor. Any reason wasn't a good one. Nothing would make Jared happy again. At least it seemed that way.

His parents had given up on trying to make him come out of his room. They'd removed the door after awhile and taken everything except his bed, desk, and chair away, and he still didn't seem to care at all, and he still didn't move. The only times he'd moved was when he went to the bathroom, but even those became less and less frequent as his body was deteriorating inside.

Jared knew nothing was getting better. His own health was completely ruined, his parents were worried to the point of their own relationship being strained. He could always hear the hushed whisper-yells as his parents fought about him. It was always at night time when they'd fight. In the day they pretended nothing was wrong. His mom had this fake happiness that she hoped would spread to Jared, but it never did. He couldn't make himself smile if he really wanted to. He just wanted everything to end.

Now was a last resort. Evan, Alana, and Zoe were coming over. Jared was unaware of their expected presence but really he couldn't have brought himself to care anyway. The ringing of silence in his ears faded for a moment, replaced with delicate whispers of concerned tones. Jared hadn't heard those voices in a long time. It had been weeks since he'd attended school after all, and he'd tossed his phone out the window in a fit of rage three days after the incident. He never did things like that anymore now that he couldn't feel anything except pain. Maybe that was why he tried to hurt himself so much. 

"Jared..?" Evan's familiar voice asked. Jared kept staring out the window, but he could see Evan's reflection behind him in the dusty window. That was really how he saw things now. It was like he saw the world through a filthy lense. 

"Amazingly cool Jared Kleinman?" Alana offered her voice next as Evan took a step back, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. Jared still gave nothing in response. 

"Jared. We care about you, okay?! The least you can do is talk to us! Please?" Zoe was the next to attempt. She even went so far as to place a hand on Jared's shoulder. He only flinched weakly at the contact, and continued looking through the window at the grey sky. More whispers happened after Zoe stepped back. Jared could hear someone walking to his desk, and then the sound of paper unfolding. 

The note.

"Jared.... He loved you... It says so right on this note... It says he was lucky to have you.." Evan offered, just trying to be helpful. It had the opposite effect, Jared wasn't ready to hear that. Maybe he never would have been. He wanted to speak, he wanted to shout at Evan, and cry. But he couldn't make himself. He couldn't feel angry enough, though he wanted to be. Instead, he spoke anyway.

"J-J-u-ust go-o a-a-way." His voice was hoarse, and he stuttered and stumbled across all his words. Evan looked at him, his eyes sad. Jared almost would have laughed. There was no way Evan could ever understand how he felt. There was no way he could ever even begin to try. 

"You're my friend. I'm not leaving." Evan sat on the edge of Jared's unused bed, and blinked away tears as the girls joined him.

"I'm not leaving either, Jare." Alana spoke up.

"I'm right here with them. Come on, you have friends, us, people that love you!" Zoe wasn't the best at comfort, but she was sincere in her words. 

When Jared gave no response, the whispering began again. It caused Jared to be irritated, and he just wanted to be left alone. 

"Connor would never want to see you like this." Zoe pointed out, still getting nothing. 

"Please talk to us..." Evan looked at him again.

Still nothing. It was hours later when Jared's parents finally came in, seeing that no progress was made. Then, the three left. It was clear that they didn't want to, but Jared couldn't see that. He only saw his friends leaving him too. Just like everyone else. But wasn't that what he wanted? 

That was it. Jared stood for the first time in a few days, almost immediately crashing to the ground as he trudged along silently. His mind was the clearest it had been in weeks, and he could hear his parents arguing downstairs. He heard it all as he went to their room, opening the closet and pulling out a box that he remembered his dad showing him when he was maybe four or five.

A box that contained a gun. Jared checked to make sure it was loaded. He didn't care what kind of gun it was, he didn't care about anything except ending his life. Thoughts coursed through his mind, but his arm didn't shake or hesitate when he aimed the gun against his head. He was so broken now, to the point beyond repair. He was going again a basic human fuction of survival without a single second thought.

And then, it happened. The gunshot rang through the entire house and Jared didn't make a single sound except for the involuntary thud of his head against the now red stained carpet. He took his last breath, a smile crossing his face for the first time since he'd lost himself. 

He had been wrong. Nothing was lucky about this. Nothing at all.


End file.
